Singles can discern their calling & (when appropriate) pursue marriage honorably in fellowship with God’s people.
Scylla & Charybdis were two sea monsters in Greek mythology. These two ogres were so close to each other on opposite ends of the Strait of Messina in Italy, between Sicily and Calabria, that they presented an overwhelming danger to sailors crossing the border.
Scylla had six heads and would destroy anybody who strayed too near. Charybdis wasn’t any better: her face was all mouth, consuming enormous volumes of water and spitting it back out, producing fatal whirlpools.
Sailors hoping to escape Charybdis would inevitably pass too closely to Scylla or Charybdis. The saying “between Scylla and Charybdis” refers to being trapped between two dangers—”between a rock and a hard place.”
Attempting to discuss the advantages of singleness over marriage feels like attempting to cross “between Scylla and Charybdis.” It seems to be unattainable at times. Argue marriage is “traditional,” and many singles are offended by the notion that there’s something “broken” about them. Claiming that singleness is a good condition, favored by Paul for believers (1 Corinthians 7), may seem to diminish the importance of marriage (while possibly granting some singles an incentive to remain in neutrality).
Is it possible to achieve balance?
The Desire To Marry Can Become Excessive
Most singles confront the infamous question, “So, when are you going to tie the knot?” It could serve as an uncomfortable reminder of a failure to succeed in relationships. Furthermore, this could mislead individuals to believe that their Christian life seems to be on ice and that they have to marry promptly at all costs.
However, this brings up the issue as to whether our desire for marrying is too strong. Many contend it’s not possible; after all, matrimony is a positive thing (Proverbs 18:22). The reasoning seems to stem from the belief that a God-given desire cannot be overly strong—you can’t want anything nice too much. In response, I cite David Powlison (in his interpretation of John Calvin): “The wickedness in our intentions is often not centered around what we want, but rather in how strongly we want to get it. Natural affections (for something good) become exaggerated, overbearing wants.”
So if you were to respond, “Yep, that’s me. This expresses my passionate, all-consuming yearning for matrimony?” Then mourn that such a noble desire—a natural, God-given desire—is getting the better of you and becoming all-controlling.
Thus, should you abandon getting married? No. Your desire for marriage isn’t a form of sin; God gave it to us. It really should encourage you to take adequate steps towards finding a partner all while praying for satisfaction in Christ & pursuing various priorities (like growth in godliness, a college or graduate degree, freedom from debt, and proficiency in your vocational skills or areas of service). A biblical dichotomy exists among both satisfaction and ambition.Readers are taught that the Apostle Paul had been advancing (or fighting) “toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:12-13) within the same passage wherein he urged Christians to be comfortable in “any and every circumstance” (Philippians 4:12-13). (Philippians 3:14). Likewise, in 1 Corinthians 7:21, Paul tells Christian slaves to “not be concerned” about their condition but rather to seek liberty if attainable.
The Desire To Marry Can Be Too Minimal
Besides that, could a single person also have too low of a want for marriage? I believe so. Some individuals find satisfaction in singleness because of spiritual apathy & general inertia—the wish to simply maintain the status quo without feeling affected. This can manifest nowadays as a fear of commitment, permanence, and responsibility throughout adolescence.
A few people simply need to have a wake-up call. Marriage would be the most favorable to their development.
Even so, I believe that it is possible for otherwise developed, accountable Christians to have an inadequate desire for marriage. That’s where I spent most of my twenties. I used to spend up to 15 hours a week in ministry while working a demanding job. Yet recurring sexual temptations and a gnawing, thick, visceral feeling that something had been missing, as opposed to the joy of discovering this “something” that Adam felt when God brought him Eve? My typically pleasant religious devotion was broken and deviated.
Considering my life had already been generally fruitful, I was recommended to “just serve the Lord, brother,” and that “Christ would meet all of my needs.” It contributed to my underlying inertia and avoidance of serious change.
In hindsight, I suppose my lack of enthusiasm for marriage stemmed from an ambiguous, perhaps unconscious Gnostic belief that desire for sex or intimacy either was sinful or (at best) less holy than wanting to be involved in the church or spend more time devoted to Bible study. But still, sexual enticement and pervasive isolation were just as “distracting” (1 Corinthians 7:9) as what Paul portrayed as being experienced by married people (1 Corinthians 7:33), but with moral repercussions.
Getting married served my holiness and happiness well.
A Exhibit Of Abstinence
There is a third option for individuals with a low interest in marriage: A God-given capacity in celibacy, allowing long-term complete commitment in the promotion of God’s cause.
Such people are rare, and they are hesitant to dedicate themselves to examining relationships (let alone practicing it). They are a blessing given by God to the church, to be accepted graciously and liberated for a life of dedicated ministry (generally in callings that uniquely capitalize on singleness).
According to Dr. D.A. Carson’s commentary on Matthew 19:11,
“Jesus readily admits that “it is wiser not to marry” for those who have been offered it, and “the individual who is able to embrace it should accept it.” However, it’s also important to note that neither Jesus nor the apostles consider celibacy to be a more holy state than marriage (cf. 1 Tim. 4:1-3; Heb. 13:4), nor as a necessity for the top standards of church (Matt. 8:14; 1 Cor. 9:5), instead viewing it as a special calling granted for bigger effectiveness in the kingdom. Those who put this regulation on themselves must remember Paul’s conclusion: “It is better to marry than to be devoured by desire” (1 Cor. 7:9).”
The Only Solution To Getting Married Is To Seek Marriage
The great majority of single people would like to tie the knot. Thus mentoring such Christian singles with generalizations like “God is all you need,” “simply focus on Him,” or “the church is your family” is counterproductive.
These theorems are, of course, indisputable by themselves. God is our all-sufficient, all-satisfying Creator who takes nothing away from people who live righteously (Psalm 84:11). Because the church is the antitype toward which biological families simply reflect (Ephesians 3:14-15, Matthew 12:49-50), the Biblical language of the “house of faith” is suitable (e.g., Galatians 6:10).
The challenge with adopting these expressions in solitude is that we lose the understanding that God utilizes methods for accomplishing His desired purposes. “He who finds a wife obtains a good thing and earns the Lord’s favor” (Proverbs 18:22)—but he finds her (no fancy Greek here—he refers to the groom, not to God).
It’s only when it involves marriage that we occasionally neglect or overlook our responsibility to react. We all recognize that “waiting on the Lord” doesn’t earn you a college degree. We don’t typically receive jobs this way either. “Unemployed? Just be patient, and He will supply.” We don’t even have supper like that. “Do you want a burger? Be careful not to idolize beef.”
Singleness In The Local Church
We’ve been analyzing singleness in general. Let’s stop for a moment to examine singleness in the context of local congregations.
Some ministers, in my experience, refuse to discuss marriage with their single, never-married members. It could be because of their inability to relate. Getting hitched in their youth was more customary and hence easier. For everyone, when boomer and older pastors found their spouses, the category of “single adult living away from home or college” was virtually zero.
Additionally, they probably don’t want to appear to be the “nosey match-making type” or even hint that there’s something negative about being single (since the Apostle Paul & Jesus didn’t think so). “Well, I’m not certain if it’s my duty to get too active in the romantic choices of singles,” they might explain. ” They are deeply personal concerns.”
Essentially, the church has a responsibility to “be family” to single Christian adults. But even so, being a family member may require assisting them in getting married (or becoming “marriageable”—breaking up with boyfriends/girlfriends who’d make poor partners, getting out of consumer debt, making space in life to get acquainted with potential spouses, avoiding burdensome financial responsibilities that would make getting engaged more challenging, and so on).
Singles usually appreciate the aid of pastors and married friends in the process of getting wedded without sexual immorality, emotional heartache, or excess delay in reasonable doses. And those who would be hostile to it ought to be (because their lives are characterized by self-centeredness, laziness, and various forms of prolonged adolescence, to which they may be entirely oblivious).
Both of these types of singles require support from their ministers and the Christian community in general in order to recognise that their yearning for matrimony is legitimate. In fact, it’s far more than OK—it’s the God-given engine that will propel them to the point when their need for connection and closeness will collide with a direct, expanding understanding of the severity of sin and God’s grace in producing Christ inside them.
How should an ordained pastor or married Christian leader respond to single Christians in their congregation who are uncertain or ambivalent about getting married? The greater question is whether there are genuine indicators that a person should pursue marriage. If there are, then part of the pastoral duty, in addition to fostering a church that lovingly embraces and accepts singles, is to support singles in discerning and then obeying the Lord’s direction.
So, how precisely?
“How can I know God’s will for someone else’s life, particularly regarding something as sensitive and intimate as marriage?” a pastor might ask. I’d reply,
Of course, nobody is capable of comprehending God’s will completely. We must distinguish between God’s unveiled plan (which we should pursue) and His absolute will (which will invariably come to pass). God may instill a natural desire to pursue marriage, but He may sovereignly decide that a Christian’s God-honoring aspiration for a spouse be incensed (for a season or even a lifetime) in order to achieve a greater good (just as all things work together for good for those who love God, Romans 8:28, including those things that are genuinely terrible in themselves). This, in my opinion, does not suggest that this guy or woman holds the blessing of celibacy (though God will certainly sustain them, 1 Corinthians 10:13). We cannot know God’s sovereign will, but we’re all compelled to move where we know that God is leading us, which includes godly romantic engagement and reaction. But, you may pose challenging inquiries & guide Christian singles in choosing the right path. If a young guy approached you and said, ‘I’m not sure if I should go to college,’ what might you say? ‘Can you help me?’ I’m sure you’d have some useful advice, even if you couldn’t articulate doctrinally. You might inquire about his objectives, high school grades, capacity to pay for college, and so on.
Truths Held In Tension
So once again, how do we bypass Scylla and Charybdis while addressing singles regarding marriage? We must keep numerous truths in tension all at one time: Remaining receptive to supporting singles in the process of marriage is an essential aspect of embracing singles while acknowledging:
1. Our connection with Christ is more essential than the status of our marriage.
2. Some singles are specially endowed to remain single in order for the kingdom to be more efficient.
3. Many singles struggle severely with depression, lust, immorality, and similar issues, & therefore embrace (or should appreciate) loving, compassionate, and reasonable input on the marriage process from Christians who care about their souls and bodies.
4. Most individuals will consider marriage to be a substantial method of sanctification, and they should progress responsibly (and persistently) in this direction even as they adopt other adult commitments.
5. Don’t merely expect the end to materialize without any effort; cooperate with God on the process. Overcoming your fear and telling someone how you feel are 2 potential methods.
Singles can discern their purpose and (where suitable) pursue marriage responsibly when they are in fellowship with God’s people. May God bless and guide us all, single or married, as we endeavor to live for His glory.
